Yesterday I had one of my ‘most amazing days’ and I want to share it with you. Yes, I often have them, but yesterday was an emotional grind of pouring out and being refilled.
Long story short, as with many of us, the changes this pandemic has caused in our lives, has been a challenge for me, in the fact that I had had a healing center in our home ( many called it Deborah’s Ashram) due to my husband being away 10- 13 hours each day – and now, and for the past three months, he works from home. We have managed to do what is physically possible to make adjustments, but there is only so much given the space. I love that he does not have to drive back and forth to work each day. I am deeply happy for him, and the ease and sanity he now can work from; our beautiful home. Yet, this changes MY personal world; completely. He is in MY space, every single day. Notably there are increased chores; food, cooking, errands, laundry, messy house etc; and the biggest one – I have no silence. There was, overnight, more of everything and less of what I wanted the most.
As a healer, minister, spiritual teacher and life long meditator, I require time alone. It is like the air I breathe. My designated rooms in our home are not enough. My sound machine is not enough. One day I had a most beautiful rhythm to my day – and then it was gone. Gone. The blackboard wiped clean.
Now, please know, to fully comprehend my heart and this story; I was not angry. I understand. I want this for my husband. I love my husband. We talk openly about this. AND it changed EVERYTHING that was my foundation of daily existence.
Yesterday I had my first ‘in house’ client since this began. Yes, I would see clients on weekends when my husband was home or when he every once and a while would work from home, but his presence, the daily energy once again I say; changed everything about this space being a center. He is working from our living room. It works for him – but not for what was a center for others to find solace in. (Including myself.) Yesterday also was his first ‘day off’ since this began. He was not working.
When I awoke in the morning to begin my day, I was over the top happy knowing clients were once again coming. (I had met with a few clients out side, and been doing many phone appointments.) Then it hit, the fact that the energies were so different, I cracked. I fell apart, wide open. My husband knows I am not angry with him, he sympathizes, but what can be done?
Within my heart I felt it was possible, but just cannot see the how. This has been my question for three months since my husband started working from home. It is an option that this working from home may continue past the summer too, and then there will be retirement in a few years – how the heck can this work? Where is my solitude???? How can I have a marriage and my ministry? I fell wide open in tears, ranting, heaving and loud vocals. I went into our bedroom and let myself feel it all.
Everything hit me. How different this was. My sacred rhythm was gone. I was exhausted from the shift, from all the extra work and energy daily life was taking for me. We have a large yard and that takes my daily time also. It had all reached a huge crescendo, a huge ugly cry – and huge, massive fall apart of ‘I cannot do this’. We talked. Rationally. What can we do? Two houses? Larger home if we could afford it! What do I give up? Is it time? Do I give up who I am? I want to write, to finish my book. How can I do that AND everything else?? I want to start seeing my clients again and have that flow in my life – but how the heck can I do all this? All the more of everything AND do this ministry? How do I have both?
“Give me up, he said. No. I do not want that.“
I asked God to show me. Do I continue my work? Do I finish my book? Can you show me, please, give me the path to continue? I know the value of my work – I am not ready to give that up, I want to continue. I want my marriage and my ministry. Do I hold on to this ministry? Can writing the book be the ministry? And just give up clients and all that that involves on a daily basis, including this blog. Can I not take texts? Emails? Phone calls? I knew from the beginning this was not easy to accomplish. In my circles all the ministers I knew are not married. They had to have their solitude. It feels like a split apart – yet, my husband is also a rock for me, and can be very helpful when he is not working.
My first client came and it was heaven to sit with her. Instantly, the rest of the world fall away as we entered sacred space and Spirit flowed through me. Nothing else mattered. Of course, much of our communion and what she brought to the session reflected my story – it was perfect. Her gratitude for our work together was pronounced – and I my heart was filled up again. How can I possibly consider NOT doing this? I was grateful for the sessions and still confused, HOW?
After clients I asked my husband to drive me to do a few errands. Many days I am just too non grounded to drive. And today I remained exhausted from my emotional outburst in the morning. Before we left I checked my email. I was waiting for a response from a client about an appointment. But there was: A Beloved of this ministry wanted to donate money and the format she once used I had taken from the website – she asked how to do it now. There was a God tinge of, ‘oh, a donation – someone is appreciating my work’…………..I was so thankful for her simply wanting to! I had had no monetary donations in a long while.
Our first stop was the post office. A box from my niece in law in California. In it; love notes galore, thank you and gifts. A drawing of an angel from one of my great nieces saying – I love you Great Aunt Debbie! A drawing of a dragon fly, and a physical gift of gold dragon fly and a vase with dragonflies!!! (One of my totems.) AND, as if I was not already bawling my eyes out from feeling SO loved, a most beautiful card from my fabulous niece in law of gratitude for my spiritual support in her life. Wow God, you are sure speaking to me!!!
Then I opened our state tax return. Oh goodie. Then I opened an unexpected donation of love from a long term client I had not seen in three months giving thanks – wow God! Two donations in one day! You are amazing. Then I opened a letter from a financial settlement I had received last year…and they sent MORE money because there was more to distribute. I was just feeling so well taken care of. Financially, as with others, this ministry has not been in the flow as it had been before the pandemic. The love that was in the box from my niece and her daughters was astronomical! The gratitude I was being indwelled with from donations coming through felt like answered direction. I wept some more.
We got home and I was emotionally raw, exhausted. I couldn’t even reach out in thanks to people, I had to wait till today. It is my deep hope all the people involved in my life who God used as answered prayer yesterday read this blog – and that many others read it to know; God always answers us.
Sure, I still am discombobulated, but I have breathing room. I am fully relaying on my faith. There is a way for this to work out – and I remind myself, each time in my life times are challenging, there is always better, more unexpected good on the other side of the experience. It has always been an ‘upgrade!’ And most importantly, the HOW is up to God.
The emotional ranting, breaking apart is often a breaking through. It feels like an act of surrendering. Like raising the white flag; I give up God. I will stop this inner battle and take it one day at a time and depend on You to support me, guide me and show me the way.
SO thankful! Still unfolding, but there has been relief.