On August 1st I began my Sabbatical. Today is my fourth day of 37 when I will then sit and see where God guides me to be. In preparing to take this time, I shared with my Beloveds that finishing my book, taking rest, and simply being away from daily tasks felt important, and called me. For thirty years I have awaken (mostly) each day ( very early in morning or mid night time) and gone about, in any number of ways, reaching out to and for others. This included meditation & prayer time, journaling, distant healing work, praying for others, answering emails, texts, and messages, posting on multiple Facebook pages; then prepping for my day of clients. There was a time when it was church ministry that called me, hospice work, nursing home visits, all clergy duties. In between all this, I attempted and still do, to take care of a home, run errands, cook, be a wife, mother, sister, aunt, friend…..you know, be a human.
Well, as I said, its the fourth day of no routine and I feel like its been a year. At some point, perhaps one who is in a career which can be categorized as serving others, we must get real and ask; am I doing this for me? (And since we are ONE, does it matter?) It can get confusing. How can I help the world? How can I make an impact on humanity, on people? What do we want to be when we grow up?
I feel we do it all for love, or we should do it for love or at the very most, it makes a huge difference in our lives and the lives of others when we do it for love. Or perhaps it is a choice – we do our work for love and in that way it consumes us – or we do work for work/job sake – and then have hobbies to bring us joy. I have quickly realized, I do not do my work, healing, ministerial or otherwise for any other reason; but LOVE. I feel love when I work. I do not even like to call it work. Like making art, how I show up in the world brings me immense, deep joy and each day I am grateful for this. It literally feeds my soul, and in that, I am very selfish. I selfishly only want to do, every single day, what makes my heart sing. I am so grateful to interact with other souls every single day I am alive. Weather it is talking, praying, communing, simply being with – contact of the souls…soul contact. Perhaps this IS what it is – consciously or unconsciously we are crying out for soul contact and are drawn to careers that bring it to us.
Living a life for love is fulfilling. It has nothing at all to do with making money, at least for me, so far – a part of me wishes I was that person, that person who decided what to ‘be’ based on how much they would be paid. I know people who do that, it feels natural to them. I come from a family of what one may call very stable wage earners. I am the daughter of a banker – and I learned from the moment I was conceived, how to put monetary value on anything. Obviously, materialism did not stick.
My last client I saw before I began my sabbatical was concerned about security. They spoke of it in the context of staying in a job they were not totally happy with, for the sake of security. I realize, that doing things for love, IS my security. I truly expect my life is to be joy-filled. Such a concept.
My husband says I am much more of an artist than I give myself credit for. He sees my entire world as my canvas. It is true – be it our home, our yard, setting a piece of furniture just so, or painting, writing, preparing anything – he sees me creating; I see me doing everything; for love. Guru, artist, woman? Perhaps it is time for a self portrait. Now that could be very revealing.
This realization that what ever I do, I do for love is powerful. I am sixty-six years of age and on the fourth day of my first sabbatical in near 30 years I have reached this place of seeing that love is my motivator. This is not about needing love from others, this is about the feeling I get when I write, or speak or be with others – or do anything at all in my life, even clean the house – if I cannot do it with love, I do not do it at all. It is not that I will not do it, it is that I can’t. Literally.
This feels pretty big for four days. Can I go back to work now?
Of course the answer is no. I shared in my final FB post on July 31st that I wanted to know who I was way from the daily routine, from my Beloveds. So, here is to 33 more days.
with great love,
Rev. Deborah Evans Hogan