This quote always gets me. It stops me, makes me ponder, think. Sometimes it pains me, causes me to question everything. It immediately brings up how I feel when another person is feeling very confidant and I feel very small in their midst, even a passing comment can throw me. It can spark the moments when my over zealous self can speak with power, but lack awareness in the moment of Gods wisdom & compassion…..and I sound like a tractor train bulldozing the fields, leaving other people hearts in my field of arrogance. This comment makes me spin. Inadequacy explodes from the seeds of any lack of worth retained yet unhealed within me from family and childhood. Dear God, it is my ‘kryptonite’. It makes everything that needs and is crying to be brought to the Light cringe, shake, rattle and cause me to want to hide under the covers or throw up. Either one would be a relief.
In case you cannot tell, I am there right now. In that place of hiding or tossing my cookies. There was no where else to go, but on this blog to post……see if writing through it may help…….perhaps in sharing my present space of being in a totally vulnerable state of my own self worth issues gleaming in my dreams like a trucks headlights on a dark highway……..my honesty and sharing may help another.
So, up till a month or so ago, things were moving along charmingly. I was feeling, being and living a rather dream like existence of success and feel goodness. Since I was feeling so good, I was guided to take a huge risk. Obviously I was feeling ‘safe’. Very, very safe. I began other thoughts. Or, other thoughts began me. I began to question. Through prayer & Source guidance, I set my goals on a risk, a dream, aiming to bring it into fruition. I invited others into it with me. They accepted, fully on board, very lovingly and supporting of this dream, this life long intention.
I started to financially invest in this, and then; WHAMMY! Down the rabbit hole. I REALLY felt like I was ready. I REALLY felt Holy Spirit say yes, now is the time.
Since then, since i said Yes! – my insides have dropped out, churned around and my ego-mind is having its fear based way with me. Doubting this, questioning that. Do you know what I am speaking of? We make an intention, we state a thesis, then the antithesis and every unlike comes up to be dueled with! I teach this. Synergy is next. Oh, dear God, please, let synergy arise!! I said yes and doubt, harsh words, lack……all of it, up for whatever! I am beat up.
Earlier, I woke up from a dream – I was in a circle of women, a few who I know, respect, look up to and admire. One male, the teacher or leader – was to my left. We each were to take a draw on a pipe and then blow the smoke in the circle. Everyone who did it received positive feedback from the male teacher. I did it. Nothing. No one said a word. I asked for feedback. Silence. He went on to the next person. Yup, that’s when i woke up. It was defeating to say the least.
The evening before I was the recipient of a phone message from a relative who shared with me his excitement about an upcoming party for our great niece. He went on and on about it, and the size of it, etc. What I want to believe is he did not know i was not invited. Now, this is intellectually okay – I do not know her as an adult, I am not part of the tight family circle – it is more than okay on the physical level I am not included – AND at the same time, it is a tangible example of being the square peg in the perfectly round family, the one who does not belong and it feels awful, terrible, nauseating. It is. I would not go anyways, the last time I forced myself to go to try to belong it was catastrophic event of historical pain & embarrassment. Know who you are. Acceptance helps. Do not go against. Go with…..my own haunting teachings sounding at myself.
As I laid in bed this morning, post blowing smoke dream, I heard the seed words; inadequacy. I had that critical moment of clarity when one knows from where one is coming from; inadequacy. Feeling totally, devastatingly and apologetically inadequate. YUCK. Holy yuck, sacred yuck – where are the blessings in this poop??? Inadequate. Okay, parental blame, but get over it already!
I have no doubt that God guided me to the moment of saying yes for my dream. None. Let me be very clear, I do not doubt that I was clearly guided to take this undisclosed action of risk, of the dream – and since then, all *&^% has broken loose in self sabotage, needing outside validation like a three year old, this huge fear of playing small is all I can do right now. Frozen. Paralyzed in terror and self defeating-ness, i am. This past week has been one of grave discomfort, visiting places that leave me shattered. Playing small feels awful. It truly serves nothing good! The vacant, empty suckiness of the ego. Playing small goes against God. Playing small is not fearless faith! Playing small goes against our True Identity! God is not small. Gods presence and power, being the greatest there is, is the opposite of small! I teach others, if a thought does not feel good, this is your sure sign it goes against your True Self, your Higher Self, your God Self. Listen to your own teachings Deborah… listen!
We really need to rally with one another and empower, encourage and embrace – combined with wisdom, zeal & co-passion of God. Forgetting the ‘with God’ part hardens. Forgetting the God part allows for ego to step in and take over. Forgetting the God part causes us to play small! God is who we are. IT is our greatest part – our humaneness is our body and personality, our ego human based facet. God created us. Each of us – and we are awesome. We are amazing. We truly are powerful beyond measure. Empower, encourage & embrace. Empower, encourage & embrace. Empower, encourage & embrace.
Empower. Encourage. Embrace.
No more small. Step into your dreams. You can do this!
Shared with love,
Rev. Deborah Evans Hogan
Master Energy Practitioner, Spiritual Healer, Intuitive.