a radical seeker

i have decided to label myself a radical seeker. i want to and expect to see God work in all places. i expect my prayers to be answered. i expect clients to feel new and improved after a session. i expect people to be changed for the better after we sit together, pray, talk, be together in faith. i expect healing to be seen and felt through people laying their hands upon me and speaking the word of God. i expect testimonies to fill my email box every week. i absolutely expect the Kingdom of Heaven to be made manifest on earth.

and i believe. i believe when i speak with Jesus he is listening to me, hearing me and loving on me. i believe that i and you and them and him and her were created from the Source of All Things; God. i believe we are made of stardust. i believe love heals anything. i believe there are many paths of faith – i believe there is One God, One Source of Love and many diverse ways to meet him/her.

i have struggled for years to find a label for myself i liked and felt was true, honest and not misleading. minister has worked, always. i am one to talk about God with. but what KIND of minister, has been the question. when anyone asked me if i was a Christian i hemmed, hawed and moved around uncomfortably – yes, i know Jesus, and have an intimate and real relationship with Him – but for years i am unsure of Him dying on a cross for my sins. so, do i feel saved by Him? not exactly, but i certainly do look to Him to save me!

i was brought up Congregational, have studied Eastern philosophies, been to synagogue, chanted my heart open, received a Buddhist name from my Lama, studied, endlessly i might add,  metaphysics, meta-physicains and numerous New Thought teachings as well as i have been a student of A Course in Miracles for years. as an ordained interfaith minister i have gone to Catholic, Unitarian and other protestant churches; as well as  ministered and celebrated in them. (yes, i am a God junkie.)  i have served Science of Mind and Unity Churches…but could never get permanently hired, because you know…. i was not ordained by them, i had the lack of the label. i have been on the board of, taught and mentored in an interfaith ministerial and chaplaincy school; but cannot get hired as a chaplain, because you know…… i do not have those first 60 hours of credit on a piece of paper. a church i once served for three years, as they searched for the right leader…. refused to hire me, even though they loved me, many learned from me, we had tripled the congregation…but, how would the students get the credits in a class……because i was not ordained by their mother church.  i believe in many spiritual beliefs, past lives, talking with Spirits, speaking in tongues, and seat dancing in my car to very loud Christian music. my almost 30 year career has been fabulous! i am very grateful….but what am i? God is Gd and love is love..how does that fit into a box?

recently i started going to a Revitalize Church, praise and worship, based on Jesus, on love, on prophecy, healing, raising the dead, on each of the spiritual gifts. it is much more scripture based than anywhere i have ever found myself. (one time many years ago i did a weekend retreat with an Anglican teacher from England and the second morning they told me to watch for the demons coming out of ones body i left.) and no one is more surprised than me on how wonderful this present experience  and feels. the first 45 minutes is ALL loud, joyful, tear pouring music. it’s great! the soul stirs. the service is two hours long and by Tuesday morning i am ready for another one.

there has been one huge difference for me, though, and my contemplation of this is opening me wide; i am told, we are told, each Sunday, God loves me. God is here for me – and i do not, you do not, we do not have to do anything to gain Gods approval – Grace has already been gifted. Jesus adores me – He is here with me at all times and answers me at anytime. My gosh, where has this been all these years? the feeling i had when i first heard that God loves me was overwhelming. i share this knowing with others, with my own beloveds, i KNOW God loves YOU unconditionally…but…. I had never heard a clergy say that in Church before where i had been, and no one had ever said it to me. not this directly, authentically, compassionately. no repentance, there is nothing to do right, no forgiving, no self deprecation, no bad this or wrong way that. everyone is welcomed. come as you are. God loves you.

finally. thank you. for years i have personally had the critic that says, if such and such does not happen, i must have done it wrong. i did not use the right words, i did not see it right, i have a wrong belief…no, none of that…God loves you, God is a loving God, Jesus adores you, Grace is already given! i tell you, this idea that God loves me….is very, very cool. i sit with it all the time. i am still weary of it, i can feel the tightness in my body refusing to believe it, to embody it…but then i go to church on Sunday and 300 or so of the happiest, most joyful beings are loving on each other, praying on each other, laying their hands on each other, speaking in tongue, giddy with Holy Spirit…and i feel the palpable love in that room. no ego. love.

yup, this is me; a radical seeker.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s